EMWA Kings Of The Ring (3/25/92) From: becker@acsu.buffalo.edu (Don Becker) Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1992 13:34:55 +0000 EMWA Kings Of The Ring ---- ----- -- --- ---- Magilla Mongoose and Ace Diamond are seen standing in the back of Alumni Arena on the north campus of the University At Buffalo. Magilla: Hello and welcome to the grand return of the EMWA! I'm Magilla Mongoose along with my colleague Ace Diamond here in Buffalo for the first EMWA TV broadcast of 1992. Ace: I gotta be honest here, Magilla. I am psyched because of the return of the greatest E-federation ever. And we've got a great night of E-action! Tell 'em about it, Magilla! Magilla: We'll see in action today: Tom "The Bomb" Buchanan of the Wild Boys The debut of Fireball Forrester The Siamese Twins Blaze O'Glory In The Prospectus, Ace interviews The Family Ace: And our roving reporter, Lord Winfred Vague, will have the brackets for the EMWA title tournaments to take place at "Night of the Champions", plus we'll have interviews with some of the top stars making their way here. Magilla: With that said, let's go to our opening contest! [DING! DING!] Coward Pickle: This opening contest is scheduled for one fall, with a 10 minute time limit. In the ring, from Greensboro, NC, weighing in at 214 lbs., Ned...HENderson! (assorted cheers from the hardcores who like jobbers) Coward: His opponent...weighing 233 lbs., and hailing from San Bernadino, California, Tom "The Bomb" Buchanan! (cheers from the E-marks and a few hardcores) Magilla: Well, Ace, Tom Buchanan seems to be the crowd favorite in this contest. Ace: Absolutely. Tom "The Bomb" is one of the most exciting wrestlers I've seen in a long time. This should be a good match. Magilla: The bell rings. Collar-and-elbow tie to start it off...Henderson winds the arm...Reversal by Buchanan. Into the ropes...Clothesline by Buchanan! Ace: That's definitely the key in this match. Since Buchanan likes to fight with aerial moves, keeping Henderson on the mat is essential. Magilla: Henderson's back up...BULLDOG BY BUCHANAN! He's not letting up on Henderson one bit! Ace: Buchanan likes to keep a fast pace. WHOA!! The Bomb dropkicked Henderson out of the ring. Magilla: Buchanan on the top rope...Double Axehandle! Ace: The referree is counting...3...4...5...Buchanan's back in. Magilla: Just enough to break the count, however. He goes back out and throws Henderson back in. Ace: He picks him up for a slam. No! Backbreaker, and Henderson's not moving. Magilla: He's giving the signal. He's going to drop the bomb! Ace: Buchanan on the top...Double knee smash! This one's history. 1...2...3. Magilla: Tom Buchanan victorious! Coward: Here's is your winner, Tom "The Bomb" Buchanan! Ace: And now, we're going to go to Lord Winfred Vague with EMWA Update! [fade to cover shot of this month's "Pro Wrestling Unillustrated". The cover story: "Powerhouse Pruitt and Misty Radisson: A Match Made in Heaven or Hell?"] Voice-over: From the pages of PWU, this is EMWA Update! [Lord Winfred Vague is seen sitting next to assorted EMWA paraphenalia, including the new EMWA Kings Of The Ring game for your Sega Genesis!] Vague: This week, EMWA Update will announce the pairings for the many title tournaments to take place at the EMWA Night of the Champions, to take place this Sunday night, March 29, live from the Market Square Arena in Indianapolis, Indiana. And now, EMWA president, Rustin Nose. Nose: Thank ya, Lord Winifred. Right now, I'd like to menchun the EMWA catalog, chock full o' great 'rasslin merchendise! Vague: Thank you, Mr. Nose. And now, the pairings for the EMWA World title tournament. Angus "The Claymore" Campbell vs. Steelgrave. The Romulan Mauler vs. Tom Brown. Mr. B. vs. The Ultimate Lanny. John Girder vs. Mr. Touchdown. Vague: The EMWA Intercontinental title, last held by Brewster Cogburn, will also be up for grabs in a tournament next Sunday. Here are the participants: Freddie Fitness vs. Metallicus Cannonball Calhoun vs. Warren Hammer Hojo Tojomoto vs. Kawasaki Godzilla Action Man vs. Fury Vague: Also up for grabs is the North American title: Powerhouse Pruitt vs. Scott "Whirlwind" Lassiter Larry "Ace" Chadderon vs. The Superstar Jake "Canadian" Shield vs. Dan "The Man" Harte Rasta Batu vs. "Gentleman" Jim Nice Vague: The newly created North American tag team titles will be awarded to the winner of this tournament: The Dogs of War vs. The Cochon Brothers The Lords of the Apocalypse vs. Grid Iron The Siamese Twins vs. Sword & Shield The Uncertainty Principle vs. Dangerous Emotions Vague: The EMWA six-man tag team titles will also be determined in this tournament: The Pain Masters vs. Oz Force The Ultimate Trekkies vs. Imperial Dawn The Dogs of War vs. The House of Fantasia The Big Three vs. TNT Enterprises Vague: Let's hear from some of the competitors in this great card! (Cut to a shot of the interview area. Cain and Steelgrave are glaring out at the world) CAIN: This Sunday night, March 29th, will be a Night of Champions. Eight former and current email champions will compete for the ultimate prize: the EMWA Heavyweight Championship. But only one will rise above the rest. For seven of the champions are merely human... STEELGRAVE: And I...am...the Machine! (fade out) (Open up on Mr. Touchdown and the Cheerleaders) MR TOUCHDOWN: This Sunday night is gonna be a big night for the Big Three! We're gonna walk out of the Market Square Arena with the three man belts, the tag belts...and I'm gonna have the EMWA World Heavyweight Championship belt around my waist! (Smirks) I may just have to build an expansion onto my trophy case for this one! (fade out) (Open up on Ace Diamond and the members of TNT Enterprises) Ace Diamond: Hahahahaha! March 29! A day that will live in infamy for anyone who dares to cross our path. Tell 'em guys! Cannonball Calhoun: Brewster Cogbum, since you were too chicken sh*t to come back and defend that I-C strap, I guess I'll just have to steamroll all over the competition! The fans will finally have an I-C champ to be proud of! Powerhouse Pruitt: That's right, and I'm gonna walk in there, take that North American title, and go celebrate with Misty Radisson! Brimstone Baxter: And the three of us are going to beat the Big Three and whatever else crawls through the six-man title tourney, and we'll claim those in the name of TNT! Fireball Forrester: And me and Brimstone are going to show you all what real tag-team wrestling skill is, in the opening contest. I don't think we're even gonna break a sweat! [fade out] Vague: Also on this spectacular card, The Hellkats, returning EMWA women's tag-team champions, will defend against the only team to beat them thus far, the Valkyries. The New Mystics, returning EMWA World tag-team champions, defend against the Klingons, and Kristy Shipp, returning EMWA Women's World champion, wrestles Lizzie Borden. And, to open the card, we will see the debut of Ace Diamond's new tag team, The Firewalkers. All in all, it should be a good, good card. For EMWA Update, I'm Lord Winfred Vague. [end tape] Magilla: Well, this looks like a great tournament, Ace. Any predictions? Ace: Well, I pick Steelgrave to take the World belt, Cannonball to take the I-C belt, Powerhouse to take the N-A belt, TNT to take the six-man titles... Magilla: I see a pattern here, Ace. Ace: ...The Cochons to take the N-A tag belts, and no title changes in the three title matches. Right now, I gotta go to the ring! Magilla: Let's go to Coward. [DING! DING!] Coward: This next contest is scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, weighing 238 lbs., Crimson Flame! He is escorted to the ring by Miss Gumby. (assorted boos) Coward: And his opponent... (The opening chords of Yes, "Heart Of The Sunrise" blast over the PA, and the crowd goes wild.) Coward: ...making his wrestling debut, from Port St. Lucie, Florida, weighing in at 225 lbs., managed by Ace Diamond, FIREBALL FORRESTER!!! (Forrester jumps from the floor to the apron, then from the apron to the top of the turnbuckle, then does a reverse somersault into the ring.) Magilla: Forrester may be lost against someone the size of Flame, but with skills like those, you can be sure that this will be a great match. Wait a sec...Flame is offering his hand to Forrester. No doubt he's trying to sucker him in...Forrester accepts...AND TURNS THE HOLD INTO AN ARMBAR! Reversal by Flame, but Forrester is close to the ropes... Forrester runs up to the top rope...FLIP...AND A FLYING HEAD SCISSORS! Flame is dazed, and I think he hit his head on the mat on the way down. Chicken-wing by Forrester...hops up onto his shoulders for a victory roll! 1...2...kickout by Flame. Flame charges off the ropes, catching Forrester with a clothesline, but he caught Flame coming back with a drop toe-hold. Forrester picks Flame up, throws him to the ropes...DROP KICK! Look at the height he got off that. Diamond: (from ringside) Put him away! Magilla: Diamond screaming instructions...POWER SLAM BY FORRESTER...Fireball on the top rope...MOONSAULT! This is one for the books! 1...2...3. Coward: The winner of this match, Fireball Forrester! Magilla: Let's go down to Sunn Mooner at EMWA studios with the EMWA Event Center. Sunn? [cut to a room with a lot of TV monitors showing EMWA action of the past. Mooner is at his desk.] Mooner: Well, thank you Magilla Mongoose. As you know, this Sunday night in Indianapolis, the EMWA's first Pay-per-view card will take place. It's "Night Of Champions", scheduled to start at 7:30. Among the many stars that will be there are the Cochon Brothers, Maurice and Paul. Let's here from them, along with their manager, Sir Walter Raliegh. [roll tape] ------------------ Cochon's Pattiserie ------------------------ Maurice "Mad Cat" Cochon enters the Pattiserie carrying a set of championship belts.... Mad Cat: Hey Paul, I got the UFWS championship belts back from the repair shop... Paul "The Baker": Hey they look sharp, they'll look good next to our Free Bird Cup, and those EMWA Tag Team and 3 Man Tag belts! Mad Cat: Hey I've even heard that Death & Destruction are trying to make a comeback... (Sir Walter Raleigh enters smoking a cigar and carrying a video tape) Sir Walter: Hey guys, I just got my copy of "THE COCHON'S GREATEST HITS!" let's have a look... (they roll out a VCR, put in the tape and see and see an old EMWA report on a match between Death & Destruction and Destruction (the Cochon without their masks)): Death & Destruction pinned Destruction with their finishing move, Death From Above. After the match, however, they were jumped as they left the ring. Sir Walter Raleigh attempted to put a lit cigar out in the stunned Destruction's eye. Destruction was able to shut the eye, but sustained severe burns. It is unknown at the current time whether he will be able to use the eye in the near future. Because of this, Death & Destruction were forced to default on their other matches that night. (all turn to the Camera) Mad Cat: Death and Destruction, we've beat you, we've maimed you, we couldn't show what we did to you in the UFWS, because the TV censors won't let us show that... You want some more, you know where to find us! [end tape] Mooner: Well, the Cochon's certainly mean business. Another group that means business are these gentlemen, managed by Nuk Nak The Penguin. They're standing by: [roll tape] [close up shot of Nuk Nak the Penguin] {He's wearing a tuxedo witha white vest and a gold cane} Nuk Nak: Ah yess, I know what your thinking. What is such an attractive man doing on EMWA? Well youl know soon enough. {He raises his hand and camera pulls back to show all three Wrestlers standing behind Nuk Nak.} I'm here to introduce the Powerhouse in the EMWA,ohh yess this is the stuff {points and pokes at all three wrestlers} it takes to win the belt Let me introduce them; this is my watchdog know as "Saskwash" and here we have the untamed "Crazy Cub" and Behind me we have his partner the big "ICE BEAR". I'm not gonna stand here and blow hot air, I let my boys do my talking. So if you think you can step up to the mike,come on down... ...or are you a SIISSSYYYYYYYYY?? [end tape] Mooner: I'm sure these men will do a lot of taking in the squared circle. I'll be back with more after this commercial. [commercial opens with a shot of two kids playing the WWF Superstars arcade game.] Kid #1: Hey Jimmy, this is boring. Kid #2: Yeah... [At this time, Admiral Chekov beams into the arcade] Both kids: Admiral Chekov!! Chekov: That's right, kids. Wanna play a REAL arcade game? Both kids: Yeah... Chekov (into his tri-corder): Beam it down... [A new EMWA RingLords coin-op game beams down, crushing the WWF game to shreds.] Kid #2: Cool... Kid #1: The new EMWA game... Chekov: That's right kids. Be one of 15 top stars of the EMWA and battle each other in the Battle Royale, or team up to go after the EMWA tag titles! Kid #1: I wanna be Cannonball Calhoun! Kid #2: I wanna be Steelgrave!! Kid #1: Who're you gonna be? Chekov: Who else? The Romulan Mauler! Voice over: EMWA RingLords...Coming soon...EVERYWHERE... [fade out as the kids and Chekov enjoy themselves] Magilla: Wow! That looks like a lot of fun, Ace! Ace: Yeah. It's pretty cool. I think Chekov would enjoy it. Magilla: Well, we've got some tag-team action right now. Let's go to it! [DING! DING!] Coward: This contest is a special tag-team attraction, scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring, at a combined weight on 440 lbs, here are Tom and Dick, the Jones Boys! Their opponents, entering the ring at this time, from Bangkok, at a total combined weight..." Ace: The Siamese Twins just jumped The Jones Boys while they were getting their jackets off. This is disgusting. Magilla: And with Mitsubishi Zero calling the shots, I don't see either of them letting up any time soon. They're brawling outside the ring, and Zero handed Brother Yin a kendo stick! Ace: Referree Lee Anderson is being distracted by Borther Yang, and that bought Yin enough time to break that stick over Tom Jones' head! Jones is out, and he's bleeding like a virgin out there! Magilla: Anderson counts 8...9...10...Siamese Twins by countout. Coward: Your winners, the Siamese Twins! [boos] Ace: Let's go back to Sunn Mooner in the Event Center! [back to EMWA studios] Mooner: Thank you Ace Diamond. More wrestlers making their way to the EMWA. But let's hear from two old favorites of mine, UFWS World Champion Angus Campbell, and Jake "Canadian" Shield! [roll tape] Jake Shield: "The EMWA's back, and so am I! The only card I got a chance to compete in was the Survival Series, but me and my brother Ric kicked butt there! Trouble is, Ric went off to Japan to hone his skills after the EMWA folded. All you heels in tag teams who just let out a sigh of relief can start sweating again; I've found me a new partner, and you're not gonna like him one bit..." <Angus "The Claymore" Campbell, the last UFWS World champion, steps in.> Angus: "Aye, th' team that put th' Death Squad out o' wrestlin' is back! Wi' a little luck, I'll be competin' f'r th' World title, Jake'll take th' Intercontinental title, an' as a team we'll be th' inaugural EMWA North American tag champions!" Jake: "That's a tall order Angus, but I figure if there's anybody that can do it, we can, because there's no force in the EMWA that can stand against the most powerful weapons in e-wrestling..." Angus: "An' those are th' Sword..." Jake: "...and Shield!" [end tape] Mooner: Now, we're going to hear from some of the ladies coming into the EMWA. Here are some choice words from Green Jean Oktoberfest and Lizzie Borden: <roll tape> <The TWIW offices, late one night; only one office is occupied. We zoom in, and see Green Jean Oktoberfest and Lizzie "The Axe" Borden, watching tapes of UeWF cards.> Jean: "Unbelievable. I was sure we had them in this match, but Katherine - or is it Katrina - pulled that move out of a hat. The HellKats are one hell of a team." Lizzie: "Ya know, Greenie, they're pretty good. But I still think we're better. Remember that Radisson bimbo stickin' her nose in and costin' us a match? We had 'em that time. We can beat 'em, in a fair fight, an' I'll bet we're the only team around that can say that!" Jean: "Maybe, but I guess with the UeWF folding, we'll never know..." <There's a beeping noise, and a bulletin comes in over the teletype.> Lizzie: "What's it say, Greenie?" Jean: "The EMWA is starting back up... they're announcing a tournament to fill the vacant titles." Lizzie: "Say, they got ladies wrestling, don't they?" Jean: "Yup. That's where the HellKats got their start. In fact, it says here the HellKats have returned to the EMWA, where they'll defend the EMWA tag belts at the first card..." Lizzie: "Then what are we waiting for? All we need is one fair match, nobody else getting involved, and we can kick us some blonde butt!" <end tape> Mooner: I understand that we're ready to go back to the ring. Magilla? [cut back to Alumni Arena] Magilla: We're just in time for an exciting ladies match between Blaze O' Glory and Amanda the Crimson Menace. Ace, what do you know about these ladies? Ace: Absolutely nothing, and in the case of Amanda, I'm thankful for it. Look at her. Sloppy, no talent...She'd be better off if she were a street walker in my opinion. Magilla: You may be right on the mark. Glory's having her way with her...Step ober toe hold by Glory, INTO A FIGURE FOUR! Ace: I've never seen O'Glory use a figure four in her days in the UEWF. Looks like she's been training with Ric Flair in the WWF. Magilla: Amanda has no idea how to get out of this...She's in serious pain, and is nowhere near the ropes. Ace: Amanda's only 5'4", and this will no doubt hurt her. Magilla: I'm surprised she hasn't passed out from the pain yet. the expression on her face says it all, Ace. Ace: She refuses to quit. In most cases it would be admirable, but The Crimson Menace might want to take her loser's share. Magilla: She has no choice. The ref stopped it. Let's go to Coward. Coward: Referree Tom Acheson stops the bout, and awards it to Blaze O' Glory. Ace: It goes as a win for Blaze, but I don't think she wanted it like this. Well, I gotta go to my interview set! Magilla: Blaze helps Amanda bck to the dressing room. Let's go back to Coward! Coward: And now, Ace Diamond!! **** THE PROSPECTUS with Ace Diamond **** [The opening chords of Spinal Tap's "Tonight I'm Gonna rock You Tonight" blast over the PA as Ace makes his way to the platform.] Ace: My guests tonight are four men I don't particularly care for, but since Nose wants me to interview 'em, I must. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Family. [assorted boos from the E-marks. After all, anyone Ace doesn't like automatically earns the wrath of the marks.] [The four wrestlers come out led by their manager, "The Godfather", Don Castlione. First Sal, then the Finugi brothers and finally Frank the assasin in back, looking from side to side. Each is decked out in pinstripe suits.] Ace: Nice suits, Castlione. Now, why exactly are you here? Shouldn't you be out running a numver racket? Don: Let me tell you someting, here, Mr. Diamond. My organization, the Family, is out to rule EMWA. Years ago I was the champion, and now I'm bringing in my son to take over the operation. Sal: That's right Pop. And I'm goin' straight to the top--the heavyweight belt. Forget your stinkin' tournamnet, 'cuz anyone who gets in my way will be take care of. It may be by the assasin, it may be by my cousins, the Finugi brothers, or I may take care of it myself. Blood is thickah that water, any anyone who tries to stop me from gettin' the belt is going to be shedding a lot of blood. Step in the ring with me, and I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. Ace: Well, Sal. You aren't even entered in the tournament. Don: Mere formality, Mr. Diamond. Now my nephews here plan on being the next tag team champs. Ace: To my knowledge, THEY aren't even in the tournament. Don: You know something, Diamond? You got guts inside ya. Let's keep it that way. OK? Ace: Whatever. Now, who's your other goon there? Don: Frank? Well, let's just say he ties up any loose ends we have. And if he nails you with the assasination, you sleep with the fish! [Walk out to music from "The Godfather."] Ace: Now, do you see what happens when people are given ready access to Francis Ford Coppola films? This is your fault, Blockbuster Video! See y'all next week, when I will interview the new World's champion, whomever he may be. I'm outta here. [cut back to EMWA studios] Mooner: Well, the Family certainly mean business, don't they. Sunn Mooner back at the EMWA Event Center with more interviews! in fact, we've got a tape of two great collegiate athletes. Let's watch it! (Roll Tape. Film clips from college football games are playing as "Bad To The Bone" plays in the back ground. The tape shows two players specifically, 57 and 43, clotheslining other players and various other acts that are by no means legal in football. One clip even shows one of them punching a referee. The picture then fades to two men standing in a locker room wearing football jerseys. One has long black hair, the other has semi-long red hair with a beard. The bearded one, #57, starts to talk.) Taylor : "Well, the MFL was too afraid to let us play for them. They were to worried that guys like Joe Fontana and Warren Goon would get their million dollar butts kicked all over the place by us. So, now we are here in the EMWA. My name is Ron 'Tombstone' Taylor and this is my partner Jack 'Headhunter' Rae. The newest sensations to hit E-Wrestling." Rae : "EMWA, get ready because we're the meanest defensive backfield ever to come out of Brawl State. And now it's time for us to beat up these wussy geeks in the ring like we used to smash guys on the football field. It's time for some unnecessary roughness! Grid Iron style!" [end tape] Mooner: I have just received word that one of the hottest teams in Japan, The Dynamos, will be leaving the Japanese wrestling leagues to participate full time in the EMWA. The team is comprised of Ryu 'The Blade' Yoshi and Kendo 'The Typhoon' Matsuda. They are noted for their high-speed, high flying wrestling style and the whole Orient is proud to have this team represent them here in the EMWA. Let's hear now from two more newcomers, Vermin Stalker and the Harvester of Eyes. -- [roll tape] What's that stink? There's something rotten in this league, and I'm not gonna rest until I clean it up! I'm sick and tired of these pieces of scum who are trying to pass themselves off as wrestlers. There's not a man (or should I say "boy") in this league who's fit to step into the ring with me. So crawl back into your holes and back under your rocks, 'cause Vermin Stalker's back in town! I realize that it's beneath my station to even have contact with such filth, but I feel it's my duty to put the vermin in its place. Now get outta my face!!! [cut to Harvester of Eyes] I was summoned to this mortal sphere by the Elders, and they have given me but one command. My mission is divine-- my methods are brutally simple. Those intrepid souls who would enter into combat with the Harvester of Eyes are mere fodder. I will dispose of them and leave their pathetic and bloated carcasses for the maggots to devour. But from each fallen warrior I will extract one small trophy. It is said that the night has a thousand eyes. You should see my collection! [end tape] Mooner: I hope that the EMWA board will pay special attention to these two. Back to Magilla Mongoose and Ace Diamond in Buffalo. [cut back to Alumni Arena] Ace: Well, unfortunately, that's all we've got time for this week. Any closing thought, Magilla? Magilla: Well, I'm looking forward to flying out to Indianapolis for the Night of Champions this Sunday. Next week, more matches, more interviews, and a full update of the action. That's all for now. See you next week! (C) 1992 EMWA. All rights reserved. -- / Don Becker at the University at Buffalo -- Any comments? Post or mail 'em \ | Internet: v112mc2t@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu BITNET: v112mc2t@ubvms.BITNET | | Unix: becker@acsu.buffalo.edu Voice: (716) 636-4339 On IRC: BillZeCat | \ "The pain of war cannot exceed the woe of aftermath." -- Led Zeppelin / Up