SPARF Press --- week 1 From: nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH) Date: Tue, 24 Mar 1992 20:14:14 +0000 ---------------------------------- Press from the Commisioner's Desk ---------------------------------- Trades during the preseason: Bodoe Glimt <--> California Redwoods <-- George Tropic 20 K Sparf --> The Borg <--> Wallamaloo Philosphy <-- Audrey Horne <-- Bruce Rationalist 40 K Sparf --> Pinyin Mandarins <--> California Redwoods <-- Bill Paid 10 k Sparf --> Bohemian Rhapsody <--> California Redwoods <-- Dudley Bullet 15 k Sparf --> ------------------- Press From The Borg ------------------- "These guys are fine players, but man, they sure are lousy conversationalists..." was all new Borg team member Bruce Rationalist had to say about his new team. "The logic they have is impecible, but they have absolutely no imagination. Except for the coaches around here that is. The coaches are all slightly insane I think. One keeps calling everyone Dave, another makes sure we are always smiling and having a swell time, another is always trying to get into the NSA computer networks. I tell ya, they are enough for anyone to question their own sanity..." Now it is time for the Borg to play their first match of the second season. The fans are truely ecstatic about their team, despite their so-so performance last year. As one public relationship spokesman for the team noted "We may not have the greatest team around, but we do have the happiest fans.." Opinion on the street is that the Borg's coaching staff may have finally gotten rid of some of the bad apples on the team, and noow they can concentrate on winning. With 5 players not being invited back to training this off-season the Borg will not be a very deep team, and injuries could devestate them. ------------------- Press From The CSUA ------------------- The CSUA has trained hard for its match against the maulers, and it seems that they're ready. They haved trimmed some of the deadweight (a bit late unfortunately), and are all pumped up to make it to the regular finals this season, not the consolation matches. The maulers are a stepping stone to a winning season and the SPARF cup..... ---------------------------------- Press From The Greymoor Gladiators ---------------------------------- The Gladiators' four-game "road" trip starts with the Bohemian Rhapsody. Unfortunately, there are many questions looming as to how good the Rhapsody are, how well the Gladiators are prepared, and why Mike Sander feels strange about his team concept when someone else named his team after a song by Queen! [:-)! Sorry, Richard, but I couldn't help mentioning this.] Anyway, we have to hope that Fate, God, and Luck are on our side (I'd like Mel to be on my side, too, but that's probably asking for too much.) as we stride gloriously towards our first battle. ------------------------------------------ Press From The Palo Alto Adenturer's Guild ------------------------------------------ We, the adventure's guild wish to wish all the other coaches luck, even though they will not and can not win. We here at the GuildHouse do hope you survive long enough to give us some fun though. ------------------------------- Press From The Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------- Well, it was a good idea that the Kittens didn't come to Canberra to watch their forefathers attempt to win against the Swans. It was not a match for children. The team is looking forward to its first real match in the SPARF and not to lose by too much. ------------------------------------------ Press From The Wimbledon Litter Collectors ------------------------------------------ "Those Bodoe Glimt players and fans really are very untidy poeple". This is what coach Tomsk had to say after the recent match-up between Wimbledon and Bodoe this week. We spent much of our time clearing up after their players on the pitch and this also caused many problems during training. However, it was during this work that we noticed one player trying much harder and having more effect on the procedures. This has lead us to instantiate the new award of Most Valuable Litter Collector to join the awards mentioned last week. The MVLC will receive a brand new deluxe size Litter Bag with a large "W" on the front and the adoration of female/male Wombles everywhere. This week this award has been presented to Groo the Wanderer, who collected rubbish beyond the call of duty. Madame Cholet has made extra Cheese Dip for this valuable if uncoordinated player. I wonder who won the game? ------------------------------- Press From The Pinyin Mandarins ------------------------------- (Taipei) Manager Sargent expresses doubts about his team. He said this first match will be an indication on how the team will do for the season. If we lose this one, then it is going to be a long hard season ...... ------------------------------- Press From The Montreal Maulers ------------------------------- Montreal (AFP) - As the Montreal Maulers finish up their preparation for the season opener against the Black Lectroids, team captain Chris Lombardi had the following comments: "Man, these kids are good, but I ain't sure that they're ready for the big leagues yet... I mean, our new Ruck-Rover has to stay home whenever we go for a beer after a game... It don't look good, man, it don't look good..." The Maulers, who have lost an unbelievable amount of skill in the off-season, do not really expect to be competitive this year. Their defense is rock- solid with Kokoroko, Gustafson, Grissom and Valentine, and the offense is better than last year, but the lack of proven all-stars may hurt in the end. "Bah, we'll kill 'em next year: Hurricane is already better than half of my team, and with a full season of heavy trainin'...", said coach Brilliant, licking his lips in expectation. ------------------------------ Press From The Newcastle Novas ------------------------------ Novas fans are urged to see if the sweeping changes to the line-up and training schedule have been successful in the opening match of their '92 campaign. "If these changes don't work, the next area for adjustment is the management," quipped taciturn coach Tommy Smith. ------------------------------ Press From The Twin Peaks Owls ------------------------------ The Owls are quietly confident of countering anything the Tartan Turkeys might throw at them. Captain Killer Bob announced a $50 bonus to any team member breaking any opponent's limbs. "If that don't get 'em fired up, nothing will", he said from the grandstand butcher shop. ---------------------------------- Press From The California Redwoods ---------------------------------- The California Redwoods have pruned some deadwood and are training a couple of new sprouts. Much of their championship lineup is still intact, and the prognosticators are pondering the possibility of a first-ever Sparf Championship Repeat as they stampede the Cattle in the race for the longest (regular season) winning streak. -------------------------------- Press From The Bohemian Rhapsody -------------------------------- SPARF Season II !!! The Rhapsody are excited about the new season. Unfortunately, Rhapsody owner Mosher is away this week scouting out potential players in Oregon, USA, and will be unable to watch his team in their first match. Coach Rabin has predicted a tremendous and resounding victory, while Grande Pooh Bah Squire is cautiously optimistic and predicts a "very close game". ------------------------------------- Press From The Glasgow Tartan Terrors ------------------------------------- The Terrors are ready for the game of their lives. After the glorious victory by their adopted parent club in the AFL, the St.Kilda Saints, over the Bombers, the Terrors are full of scotch and ready to go. ------------------------------ Press From The Black Lectroids ------------------------------ On Planet 10, a sportscaster during the evening news: "Well, the Black Lectroids are altering their training pattern in expectation of their first game, versus Montreal. The coaches are looking hopeful for the first few matches, and we'll see what happens after that. Onto the slime spitting competition on Gergax 3..." ----------------------------- Press From The Viking Raiders ----------------------------- OSLO, Norway--After an eventful 3 weeks of pre-season training, the Viking Raiders are prepared for their first game against the Holsworthy Hammers. Says Ruckman Erik the Awful, "We'll give the Hammers a beating they'll never forget." After saying this all the other team members began beating Erik sensless. Says head coach Odin, "I guess they just can't stand bad puns." --------------------------------------- Press From The New York Hungry Vultures --------------------------------------- The New York Hungry Vultures will not be releasing a press statement until after the game against the Cambridge Tigers, WHICH WE WILL WIN! Kev J.P. Manager of the NYHV. ----------------------------------------------- Press From The Wallamaloo Philosophy Department ----------------------------------------------- The Wallamaloo Philosophy Department started their new season off against their arch-rivals, the defending SPARF champion California Redwoods. "Our chances are minimal," lamented Manager Buffum, "but we still have Kierkegaard's Dutch Elm Disease as a weapon." Comments by the Borg Operating System inflamed some of the Depart- ment's players, but most seemed unfazed by the statement that the ex- Philosophers spouted "irrelevant" things. "First," said Buffum, "we pride ourselves on being the most irrelevant team in the league. Certainly our talent is irrelevant." Added utility man Bruce Turing, "This goes to show that I never should have built the damned thing." The Philosophers' haul in the draft was unprecedented, with six new players joining the fold. In particular, rookie Bruce Pol Pot was added, and he has devised a "Return to Skill Zero" training regimen. His teammates did not show much enthusiasm for Pot's ideas, not only because they are all members of the intelligentsia, but also because "Buffum's training regimen last year was a pretty fair imitation of Skill Zero anyway," in the words of defender Bruce Nietzsche. Nietzsche was summarily cut from the Wallamaloo roster after the draft. ------------------------------------- Press From The Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------- Well, another couple of apparently unamusing gents have escaped over the wall. The commission to investigate Routsauce's allegations of cruelty has convened, and is energetically pursuing the matter. Meanwhile the Yobbos prepare for their first game. In contrast to the allegations of punishing, nay, brutal training schedules, the first lawn chairs of spring were seen balancing precariously on the barbed wire, their gaudy plumage contrasting with the industrial grey of the walls. Bocca Pescadero harumphed that the Yobbos were learning to endure great physical punishment in the time-honored Indian tradition. This aside was belied by the presence of discarded little paper umbrellas around the outside of the compound walls. Lab analysis has detected traces of legal intoxicants on the stems of the umbrellas. We asked Lester Bestertester, one of the coaches and the team's best estimate of a dietician, what he foresaw this season for the Yobbos. His reply was an atypically terse, "Well, we haven't played it yet, have we?". When pressed further it seemed that Mr. Bestertester didn't know any more about the sport than the Mayor. "I was hired for my avant-garde physical conditioning theories, my electric cello playing and the fact that I can make a paper hat in four seconds flat--under the influence! Don't tell me I have to know about this game as well, you don't pay my checks." So it is with trepidation that the potential fans of the new sport look forward the seasons first match against the California Sluggers. The Sluggers narrowly (as far as I can tell) defeated in the semi-finals last year by the Cambridge Tigers. The Livermore fans look forward to seeing SPARF played the way that it should be played. They can only hope that their new team, The Livermore Yobbos, is part of that action! ---------------------------- Press From The Manix Maulers ---------------------------- Hi. I'm Jeremy Billones, the new manager of The Manix Maulers. I run the Washington Capitols in the EEFL (a pretty good team, ifIdosayssomyself), and I'm also the Commissioner of the UEFL. Mel has a team in both leagues, but our EEFL teams are in different divisions, and you could check his results in the UEFL to see that I'm not trying very hard to bribe him :-) I'm a graduate student at RPI, getting my Master's in July and hoping to get a real job shortly thereafter. I watch ARF whenever I can find it, which isn't often :-( [Ed note from Comissioner Mel: actually, I don't have a club in the EEFL, just the UEFL and WeHL, and now the SPARF has gone to the 32 team stage, I'm probably not going to be able to hold onto the WeHL team after this season, or I'll NEVER be able to log out.] Up