UEFL: Central Division Session A From: billones@grebyn.com (Jeremy Billones) Date: Sat, 07 Nov 1992 13:54:22 +0000 Central Division Newsletter Session A LP W L D GF GA CP TP Cash BOTH Beirut Blast 5 2 0 1 8 2 11 5 259 MVP Moonshine by Urn 5 2 0 1 10 6 9.5 3 103 Sordid Sages 4 1 0 2 4 3 8.5 4 418 EB Wainscotting 4 2 1 0 6 9 2.5 3 77 Blown EB Cylinder Heads 2 1 2 0 10 6 5.5 3 533 EB Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 2 1 2 0 7 8 4.5 3 154 Oxaxaca Tortugas 2 1 2 0 2 7 9 4 100 EB Safety in Numbers 0 0 3 0 3 9 3 1 168 Transactions: The New Lions trade 1 TP to the Yungsten Yahoos for $40K. The New Lions trade 1 TP to the Amazing Leaping Lemmings for Twisting Tom Lemming (DF) and Athletic Adrian Lemming (MF). The Oxaxaca Tortugas purchase Ray Fosse (DF) from the minor leagues. The Beirut Blast purchase Terry Anderson (DF) and Pablo Escobar (FW) from the minor leagues. Moonshine by Urn purchases Victor SiFuentes (DF) and Bobby Fischer (FW) from the minor leagues. Safety in Numbers cuts Douglass Fuillette (DF), and signs Jeff Gorn (MF) from the minor leagues. Wainscotting signs CD Gumby (FW) from the minor leagues. Press: [BB] The question of the moment is: who does Archmage Fred hate more, MbU or BB? One would think that obvious answer would be MbU after last season's series of frustrating defeats. Also, Fred and Manager Ingram have been known to conspire together in the past, as Peripheral managers will recall last season's mutation of rookie GK Viktor Ostrovsky into a giant lizard. During the off-season, the transmogrification process was completed in a midsummer ritual at Stonehenge during the dark of the moon. Ostrovsky now measures some 50 feet in height, and in order to protect that turf from extensive damage and to keep his tail from ramming into opposing players in the box, drawing penalty kicks, Ostrovsky has been trained to crouch behind the goal and stop shots by snatching them using his long neck, big mouth and sharp teeth. The Blast have offered to take care of expenses involved in replacing multiple balls in each match due to punctures. Back to the point...Fred's obvious hatred toward MbU may have been lessened somewhat in the off-season, so the Blast are steeling themselves against an all-out Automata-like assault from the more powerful Sages. Thankfully, the Sages must also face last season's other top contender, Tuxedo Park, this session. In other matches, the Blast will test its Central mettle by facing off against Safety in Numbers. Popular opinion in Beirut is that last year's Central doormat is still plenty powerful enough to bomb BB back to Beirut. This could be a good indicator of where the Blast will find themselves in the grand scheme of things this year. Finally, BB renews last year's rivalry with the Tortugas, who were the only team in Peripheral last season to play the Blast even-up for the entire season (1-1-1 record). The Rader/Bailey GK/SW combo should be back in force for this match. Don't look for much scoring from either end, though, as an aging Arafat tries to preserve his status as star Blast keeper over an improving Ostrovsky. The Blast are greatly looking forward to next session, when they will start a new rivalry with Wainscotting. The two teams will play for the coveted "Velvet Doormat," which was stolen by none other than Blaster Burke, the Blast mascot, at the end of last season from Red Hawk stadium in anticipation of this season's festivities. Manager Ingram commented, "If you're going to start a real rivalry with someone, make sure you have a chance to win." [W] The Cleveland Spiders. The Dallas Texans. The Columbia University Lions. The United States World Cup Team. [Hey! They held Italy to 1 goal IN ROME! You should be so lucky... Ed.] All lynchpins in the history of sports ineptitude. All tried and failed to achieve the one goal they so richly deserved. The Velvet Doormat. The history of The Velvet Doormat begins in Gaul in 29 BC, when the last bastion of Gaulish resistance challenged the Roman Legions of Flavius Minimus to a winner-take-all football match for the control of the Gaulish region left under Gaulish control. Sadly for the Gauls, there was no real-life Asterix and Obelix, and they were soundly defeated on the strength of two goals by forward Diegus Maradonnus past theretofore un- scored-upon goalie Charles "Dee" Gaul. The Romans, not wishing to be gauche (if perhaps tyrannical), awarded the Gauls with The Velvet Doormat, a largish 2.5' x 1.5' doormat made of the finest Corinthian Velvet. Through the years, The Velvet Doormat was passed along from generation to generation, passing back to the Romans in 476 AD, then to the Native South Americans in the 1500's, and back to Europe to rest in Poland for numerous crushing defeats at the hands of, well, everyone else in Europe. But in 1939, The Velvet Doormat was feared lost forever when Hitler's Blitzkrieg rolled through the Polish Cavalry's defense to score 9 goals on keeper Wraczczoslaw Czczczczczizcczzki, and setting off numerous explosions which seemingly destroyed The Velvet Doormat forever. However, The Velvet Doormat resurfaced almost 40 years later in Grenada, where U.S. forces commandeered the trophy with a smashing 4-goal performance from Major Major M. Major, and brought it home to the World Cup team. However, goalie Tony Meola, severely drunk after being shelled by Czechoslovakia in 1990, gambled The Velvet Doormat away to John Banagan of the Davis Red Hawks, where until recently it has found a comfortable home. Rumors have it that disgruntled sub-mascot Blaster Burke of the Beirut Blast has stolen The Velvet Doormat from Banagan at the fire sale that disintegrated the Red Hawks (well, disbanded them: they had already disintegrated), and, having been hired by Wainscotting for the Gresley Rovers match two seasons ago, has contacted Managers Ingram and Buffum for the terms of its release. Thus, as Minnesota plays for The Little Brown Jug, as Dallas and Houston play for the Governor's Cup, so begins the first such tradition in the UEFL: which of these fine (yet "talentially challenged") can be the first to live up (down?) to the fine tradition that is The Velvet Doormat in Central this season? Further rumors exist that Ian Brown's Safety in Numbers might attempt to usurp the honor (?) from the Blast and the Gumbies. The only response out of Beirut and Wainscotting was gales of uninterrupted laughter. [MbU] Whee! My first UEFL season as defending Cup champion. I can hardly wait to see what everyone has in store for me. The latter parts of last season were certainly fun. Of course, it was occasionally painful, but still a lot of fun. Aging takes its toll, the auction mixes things up a lot, and we are all involved in trading, and suddenly its a new story. Since the start of last season, I've inherited the EEFL, and no longer have as much time as I used to. I hope you won't be disappointed by a slightly reduced level of play; I'll try to reduce it as little as possible. After all, I got here after three years of hard work and a lot of luck last season, and I'll try to justify the faith that Jeremy's dice put in me. Welcome to our new additions, the Tortugas and the Blast. Let's all try to give them a hearty Central Division welcome; how does a scoreless draw and two blowouts sound? Sound like the old Sordid Sages? Right; but don't worry, their present manager isn't as vindictive as the original one. Jon is usually content with a 4-0 victory, as I may find out about the time you guys read this. ******************************************************************************** Match 1 ******************************************************************************** Sordid Sages vs Beirut Blast 1 - 1 1 - 7 Sadat (1) Quayle (1) Chang (bk) Daniloff (bk) ******************************************************************************** Moonshine by Urn vs Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 5 - 4 14- 9 Clay (2) Grapelli (2) Debt (1) Baxter (1) L. Lenny L. (1) Fleck (1) Open (1) ******************************************************************************** Safety in Numbers vs Wainscotting 1 - 4 2 -11 Phillips (1) Mitchell (3) Walker [inj;pull] Center (1) FQ Gumby (bk) ******************************************************************************** Cylinder Heads vs Oxaxaca Tortugas 1 - 2 2 - 6 Snap (1) Dobbs (1) Weinberger (bk) Sims (1) ******************************************************************************** Match 2 ******************************************************************************** Cylinder Heads vs Moonshine by Urn 1 - 4 1 -11 Shomway (1) Hand (2) Jamnation (bk) Goal (1) Seball (bk) TK Gumby (1) Vibbentrop (bk) ******************************************************************************** Beirut Blast vs Safety in Numbers 3 - 1 5 - 1 Kissinger (2) A. Anderson (1) Hussein (1;bk) Gates (bk) Gemayel (bk) Yeltsin (bk) ******************************************************************************** Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks vs Sordid Sages 1 - 2 7 - 7 Baxter (1;bk) Luke (1) Ptolemy (1) ******************************************************************************** Oxaxaca Tortugas vs Wainscotting 0 - 2 1 - 3 Aiy (bk) Mason (1;bk) Rader (bk) Sirius (1) Sims (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 3 ******************************************************************************** Oxaxaca Tortugas vs Beirut Blast 0 - 4 2 - 7 Hundley (bk) Peres (2) Chang (1) Santarelli (1) ******************************************************************************** Moonshine by Urn vs Sordid Sages 1 - 1 2 - 2 SD Gumby (1) Magus (1) [inj;spr] Reeds (bk) Johnson [inj;spr] Ned [inj;conc] Osiris [inj;spr] Ptolemy [inj;spr] Sadat [inj;spr] ******************************************************************************** Safety in Numbers vs Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 1 - 2 1 - 8 Lowen (1) Jamerson (1) Phillips (bk) Lyons (1) ******************************************************************************** Wainscotting vs Cylinder Heads 0 - 8 3 -15 Lionheart [inj;lig] Hanson (2) M. Luking (2;bk) Seball (2) Jamnation (1) Rama (1) New (bk) Zerr (bk) ******************************************************************************** (bk) Booked, 4 DPs (RC) Sent off, 10DPs (#) Number of goals scored [inj;*] Injured, type of injury Up