ARENA From: carl@gergo.tamu.edu (Carl D. Perkins) Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1993 06:19:00 +0000 Here's a fine contender for the "Shortest Bout" category... Battle Challenge! S-man versus Psychic Warrior. VANCE: Good day! I'm Vance Lance, saying hello and welcome to the Arena, where the weather today is sunny with temperatures in the high-80s. A perfect day for a contest. Our two veteran fighters are just now entering the Arena. Our first combatant today will be S-man. His adversary today will be Psychic Warrior. Psychic Warrior is a vigorous looking fighter. Psychic Warrior is wearing cuir-bouilli. He is waving a bastard sword. It says on my card that Psychic Warrior describes himself as "You see me now, the veteran of a thousand psychic wars." I can't quarrel with that. Of course, no broadcast would be complete without my fine friend and color commentator, Dirk 'True Grit' White. DIRK: Hello. VANCE: Dirk, your sagacity never fails to astonish. It looks like the duel is about to commence. Round 1. S-man strikes at Psychic Warrior. S-man's longsword does a tremendous amount of damage! S-man hits. It's a sensational bash to Psychic Warrior's shield arm! Psychic Warrior is humiliated! S-man has triumphed! The referees give a 5 gold piece award to S-guy. VANCE: And that ends our fight of the day! It was a surgical bout. I hope you found it more fascinating than I did. Now regarding the combatants, S-man had a balanced offense. Psychic Warrior needs to make improved use of special tactics, and failed to show any wizardry with his weapon. I think that about sums it up. Would you like to add anything, Dirk? DIRK: No. VANCE: You sure can talk, Dirk. That's all for this afternoon. Good night, and keep your sword edge bright! Uh, Vance? How could Psychic Warrior show wizardry with his weapon if he never got a chance to use it? But my team got revenge... Round 1. Rocky swings at S-man. With a explosion of quickness, S-man throws himself away. S-man performs a reckless backhand hit! Rocky cleverly avoids the strike. Rocky strikes at S-man. Rocky's foil lands a weak blow to S-man's left leg. Rocky kicks dirt at S-man and brags: "Oooo! I bet that hurt!" S-man wipes off his weapon. Rocky executes a fearless stabbing bash! S-man leaps away. S-man does nothing. Rocky feints and backs away warily. Rocky gets ready to hit. Rocky makes a bold spinning hit! Rocky connects with a glancing hit to S-man's torso. Rocky is staggering with weariness. S-man pounds his weapon on the Arena floor. Rocky is too spent to attack. Metal resounds as the two fighters duel. Rocky is staggering with fatigue. The fans are getting antsy. Rocky tries to husband his power. S-man seems tense. Round 2. Rocky strikes at S-man. Rocky's foil strikes a slight gash to the right leg. S-man executes a confident whirling smash! S-man strikes an inconsequential blow with his longsword to Rocky's ribs. A fan in the box seats shouts: "You're holding the wrong end of the sword, bozo!" Rocky tries to locate an opening to launch an attack and does nothing. S-man directs a abusive sneer at Rocky and stares at Rocky. Rocky performs a brash slashing slash! Rocky hits. It's a glancing attack to the right leg. S-man edges watchfully in a circle. S-man moves in to strike. S-man executes a daring whirling slice! S-man's longsword renders an unimpressive hit to Rocky's chest. S-man executes an audacious spinning thump! S-man lands a glancing cut with his longsword to Rocky's weapon arm. Rocky executes a courageous whirling thump! Rocky's foil renders a slight slice to S-man's ribs. S-man appears tense. Rocky slides cagily to one side. A guard tosses a small animal at Rocky! A grandmother shouts: "Rocky should be wearing a skirt!" Round 3. Metal crashes as the two competitors duel. Rocky shifts to the offensive. Rocky performs an audacious stabbing gash! Rocky connects. It's a minor thump to S-man's collarbone. Rocky strikes at S-man. Rocky's foil applies a trivial blow to the right leg. S-man appears vigilant. S-man swings at Rocky. S-man brings down a glancing cut to Rocky's head. Rocky tests his weapon. S-man looks wary. Rocky advances to hit. Rocky swings at S-man. Rocky's foil applies an unimpressive slice to the chest. S-man surrenders! Rocky has triumphed! The judges grant a 5 gold piece trophy to Rocky. VANCE: And that ends our battle of the day! It was a terribly badly fought fight. I hope you found it more intriguing than I did. I think that about sums it up. Would you like to add anything, Dirk? DIRK: No. VANCE: Good to see you've lost none of your fire, Dirk. That's all for this afternoon. Good night, and keep your sword edge bright! It seems to me that damage is perhaps a bit *too* random. In the first bout S-man does a "tremendous" and a "sensational", in the next bout hes down to "inconsequential", "unimpressive", and "glancing". Of course, Rocky has a much higher Agility, which gould be factored in - he's harder to hit solidly perhaps. Along these same lines, but more so and with more data points, Rocky normally does rather little damage (fairly low strength, uses a foil) but every once in a while he gets stuff like this contender for Shortest Bout, 2nd place: Round 1. Rocky does nothing. Muluth the Slash searches for a possibility to deliver a blow. Rocky makes a fearless whirling hit! Rocky's foil does a tremendous amount of damage! Rocky makes a gesture at Muluth the Slash and blusters: "Oooo! I bet that hurt!" Rocky hits. It's a brutal slice to the shield arm! Muluth the Slash drops his shield! Muluth the Slash is vanquished! Rocky has triumphed! The judges award a 5 gold piece prize to Rocky. And he also does a "tremendous" followed immediately by a "phenominal" in one bout. (There may be one or two more cases, but not in the stuff I still have on hand). That's twice (or so) in 143 bouts he's done that. Much of the rest of the time he gets the Vance comments about not doing much damage. Now for the real question: what is it with The Incredible Mutating Name Trick here... * Corondon (37-11) humiliated S-guy (33-40) in 2 rounds. Corondon showed extremely effective abilities. * Ace Ballcrusher (35-18) triumphed over S-combatant (33-41) in 2 rounds. Ace Ballcrusher wore medium cloth. He used a awl-pike. * Lt. Worf (35-13) crushed S-guy (33-42) in 2 rounds. Lt. Worf wore bone brigandine and also a large shield. He used a longsword. * Chilly Willie (35-13) humiliated S-young man (33-43) in 3 rounds. It was a badly fought contest, but brief. * NiboR (35-15) humiliated S-fighter (33-44) in 3 rounds. NiboR wore cuir-bouilli and also a small shield. He used a longsword. * Muluth the Slash (36-24) was crushed by S-fighter (34-44) in 1 round. S-man wore cuir-bouilli. He used a longsword. * Zark Vo Dulcan (37-26) conquered S-man (34-45) in 3 rounds. Zark Vo Dulcan wore woven cord and also a small shield. He used a awl-pike. * Psychic Warrior (35-42) was vanquished by S-young man (35-45) in 1 round. It was a brief fight. * Rocky (37-100) crushed S-combatant (35-46) in 3 rounds. It was a poorly fought fight, and violent. * S-fighter (36-46) triumphed over Ribose (30-42) in 3 rounds. S-man wore cuir-bouilli. He used a longsword. "S-guy", "S-combatant", "S-young man", "S-fighter" - all of these are the same character who is aparently really named "S-man"... It even uses different variants in the one bout description for both the Muluth the Slash and Ribose bouts. S-man has evidently managed to trigger the random gladiator descriptor substitution like what is used in the "blah looks like a vigorous guy" type lines. --- Carl (Rocky, Bullwinkle, & Psychic Warrior) Referenced By Up