BSE Digest V1 #54 From: kerry@io.com (Kerry Harrison) Date: Sat, 21 Jan 1995 17:16:33 +0000 BSE Digest Saturday, 21 January 1995 Volume 01 : Number 054 In this issue: + BSE: BSE + BSE: QSN Merchant Newbie seeks to establish trade route + Re: BSE: QSN Merchant Newbie seeks to establish trade route + BSE: SSL + BSE: War Chieftain wanted + BSE: Music, suggestions, and Philosophy See the end of the digest for information on subscribing to the bse-list or bse-digest mailing lists. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: AdmParker@aol.com Date: Sat, 21 Jan 1995 02:02:31 -0500 Subject: BSE: BSE I'd like to get the BSE mailing list, as I'm thinking of joining now that RTG moderates it. Thanks, Adam Parker ------------------------------ From: Marstep@aol.com Date: Sat, 21 Jan 1995 04:13:52 -0500 Subject: BSE: QSN Merchant Newbie seeks to establish trade route Greetings Gentlebeings, Allow me to introduce myself. I am Nicholas Van Rijn, humble QSN merchant person, recently returned to the Periphery after a decade long absence. I hope to establish a mutually profitable trade route between several colonies, and am also open to haulage contracts at this time. I am currently assigned a Merchantman, but have hopes it will be upgraded to full CargoMaster status within the near future. You may well ask my background. I am a devout member of the Varitang-Hindu Ashram, and as a result, am a vegetarian and have taken a vow of celibacy (both of which should be of particular interest to the USS, as it ensures the safety of their pleasure sheep on any long range hauling I might do). I am human (although as a prerequest for Quman command, I have had a second heart implanted in my chest). One advantage I might note for other aspiring QSN human captains ... it will do wonders for your jogging times. Now my purpose in imposing myself on you worthies was to request that any colony owner in the Capellian Periphery who thinks it worth his/her/its while, might forward a colony report or a proposal for a haulage contract to me. All such correspondance should be sent to my stateside representative ronk@eng.sun.com and each will be carefully considered and treated with the upmost respect. Respectfully yours, Nicholas Van Rijn QSN MerchantPerson ------------------------------ From: Richard Chiang <richc@ocf.Berkeley.EDU> Date: Sat, 21 Jan 1995 01:34:36 -0800 (PST) Subject: Re: BSE: QSN Merchant Newbie seeks to establish trade route The QSN High Command would like to welcome our newest starcaptain, Nicholas Van Rijn, to our ranks. While he is human, the Qumans realized that this human had more spirit than one heart to handle. After passing some rigorous tests, we gave him the second heart to allow him to reach his full potential. I would recommend any colony governors to take advantage of his superior carrying capacity. Nicholas is reliable and can help your colony grow. After his long hiatus, Nicholas is charged to wander the stars and visit differnt locales until he realizes the full majesty of the BSE Universe, at which time he may return into the fold. I would also point out, though Nicholas is human, he travels with the full protection of a QSN Passport. Any actions against a free trader such as Nicholas will be met with what we can provide. We have a "small" fleet to ensure our soverignty. In fact, I understand Nicholas may be joined by a somewhat more warlike relative. Maybe we can Nicholas to tell us about him. Minister Anton Qutroh QSN Illium Novum Email Propogandist <ooc hmm maybe I need a political position? This title doesn't seem to carry enough weight> ------------------------------ From: Richard Chiang <richc@ocf.Berkeley.EDU> Date: Sat, 21 Jan 1995 01:37:53 -0800 (PST) Subject: BSE: SSL Jason is back in the game and is the SSL PD. He is not on email, but his phone number is 404-478-0945. Call him. He is feeling lonely. Message forwarded from SSL Godfather: SSL looking for new players to help us make a major transition SSL is offering stellars for all bagged FET ships. A smaller amount is available for any sitings of FET positions. As far as the SSL is concerned, the war with the FET is still on. ------------------------------ From: Richard Chiang <richc@ocf.Berkeley.EDU> Date: Sat, 21 Jan 1995 02:08:12 -0800 (PST) Subject: BSE: War Chieftain wanted The QSN is looking for an innovative War God. Qualifications 1. You have teared up the battle system and know all aspects of it. 2. Fanatical Loyalty to the Unitredd Council 3. Blood Lust Responsibilities The QSN want to formalize a ready action force. We currently have one, but would like an experience player to handle all aspects concerning our force. 1. Establish policy concerning the formation of ready action force. 2. Create a fleet of 60 Capital ships to function as a ready response fleet. (we have all the materials) 3. Ensure that the QSN have the ability to at least double the ready response fleet in times of war. 4. Have fully trained ground forces. 5. Establish a ready response Marine force with all transport functions of at least 250,000 troops and all support forces (tanks, artillery, etc). This ready response force should not weaken the QSN assets at all. For example, if the QSN need more troops to fill out the Marine force, you could require that QSN governors build 5 more boot camps. This ready response force will be beyond and above needed assets to defend QSN property. QSN assets are located all over the map. We are very similar to colonial England. It is important to be able to project power into the far flung reaches of the Quman Confederation. Minister Anton Qutroh ------------------------------ From: Phil Krauskopf <pkrauskopf@FALCON.AAMRL.WPAFB.AF.MIL> Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 23:23:00 -0400 Subject: BSE: Music, suggestions, and Philosophy - ------------------- roomate follows -------------------- 30 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate: 1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class. 2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore." 3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. 4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you. 5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious." 6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards. 7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find. 8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone. 9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so. 10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...." 11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." 12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate. 13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now." 14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning. 15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed. 16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets. 17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me." 18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them. 19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings. 20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine. 21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi." 22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room. 23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. 24. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy." 25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation. 26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something. 27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more." 28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat." 29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. 30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili. - ------------------- whyaskwh follows -------------------- ---------- WHY ASK WHY ----------- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF - ------------------- bobbitbi follows -------------------- The Ballad of The Bobbit Hillbillies - ------------------------------------ (Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies) Here's s little story of a man named John A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone It seems one night after gettin' with the wife she lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife Pecker that is , Rodeoed, fillet food Well, the next thing u know there'a ginsu by his side And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend Curve , that is Pricker shrubs , wheel hubs She went to the cops and confessed to the attack And they called out the hounds just to get the weenie back they sniffed and they barked , then they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air Found , that is By a fence, evidence Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long so a dick-doc said "Hey , I can fix your dong !" A needle and a thread 's just the thing you're gonna need Then the world held it's breath till they heard that John peed Whizzed , that is Stitched seam , straight seam Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court With a cock eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short ) They cleared him of assault and acquitted him of rape And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape Video, that is Unexposed , case closed ------------------------------ End of BSE Digest V1 #53 ************************ To subscribe to bse-digest, send the command: subscribe bse-digest in the body of a message to "Majordomo@io.com". 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